Phil, Yer Up

Let’s liveblog Phil Hughes start tonight shall we?

If you’re just joining I’m Schteeve and I’ll be doing play-by-play, to my right is curmudgeonly yet lovable Dutch Peters with the color.

Hughes is in a spot of trouble early in this one having surrendered a 6 pitch walk to Curtis “The Sparkplug” Granderson, followed by a single by Placido Polanco.

Phil gets the first out of the inning by whiffing Gary Sheffield but it goes from bad to worse as he now has to face Magglio Ordonez. Dutch you’re an ex big league pitcher, what is going through Hughes’ mind right now.

Dutch: *Hic*

Right you are! Well, four batter in, and Phil Hughes finds himself down 2-0. After a wild pitch allowed Granderson and Polanco to move to second and third respectively, Magglio plates them both with a single to shallow center.

Dutch: The kid’s a bum! *Hic!*

Interesting perspective Dutch, but we’ll have to pick that up next half inning, cause the kid just got the other kid, Meee-gel Cabrera to ground into a double play. Hey he woulda fit right in on the Pinstripers! I kid. We’ll be back after this.

Dutch: Wheres my cigar box, dammit!?

Bottom 1

You all know the old baseball saying, “ya got to know when to hold them.” Well Kenny Rogers is holding a baseball and he’s ready to get things going! Johnny Damon strikes out looking and I don’t think he liked the call. Dutch do you…

Dutch: Fucking umpires are all COMMIES!

…You said it! Wow Dutch you’re a pistol. So with one down, here’s Derek Jet…check that, Derek Jeter apparently wanted to give his time in the batters box to Bobby Abreu so he chose to surrender his…what’s that? Oh…Oh I see. He didn’t actually forfeit his at bat, he just swung at the first pitch again, and grounded out to the pitcher.

In any case, Abreu has worked the count full. They say Bobby Abreu is a great two strike hitter, they also say he’s afraid of the wall. Dutch, who do you believe?

Dutch: John McCain! *hic*

Well, we can talk politics later, but here in baseball land, Bobby Abreu just singled to right. And that brings up Hideki Matsui, the Pride of Japan.

Dutch: I used to know a girl named The Pride of Japan, she could….

ALLLRIGHT! Save that one for later Dutch. Matsui is what they call a professional hitter. Dutch what does that mean?

Dutch: It means they pay the asshole!

It certainly does, and speaking of that Kenny Rogers has to pay, because he just gave up a hit to Matsui and both the runners advance on an error by Jacque Jones.

Dutch: What the fuck kinda name is Jacque??

I’m not sure big fella, but Jason Giambi thinks ‘Kenny Rogers’ is Spanish for Cy Young, as he flies out meekly to right. That’s it for the New Yorkers, we’ll be back in a bit!

Top 2

And we’re back! Phil Hughes is too, and he just got Carlos Guillen to ground out to second after a 7 pitch at bat. On the bright side, Dutch, Edgar Renteria flew out to right on the first pitch he saw. Phil should remember to send him a thank you note, don’t you think Dutch?

Dutch: I never say thank you!

Well you’re welcome anyway! As a matter of fact you’re welcome to stop drinking any minute now. I kid. Back to the action, Hughes is pitching to “Pudge” Rodriguez.

Dutch: If I were called “Pudge” I’da been on the fuckin juice too!

Good point old timer, “Juice,” I mean “Pudge” singles to right and that brings up Jones. Dutch, Jones has a .292 OBP don’t you think Phil Hughes should just go right after him here?

Dutch: I don’t know what the fuck Oh-Bee-Pee is you sissy!

Of course you don’t, and neither does Jones as Hughes strikes him out looking. Back after a few words!

Bottom 2

Welcome back! The score is 2-0 Detroit, and Kenny Rogers is “dealin’” to Shelley Duncan.

Dutch: Shelley?? Does she have nice tits? *hic*

No but HE has a nice eye. Rogers kept trying to get him out away, and Duncan kept fouling them off, and eventually drew the walk. And that will bring up, Phil from Accounts Payable? Oh, sorry, check that, it’s actually Morgan Ensberg, and he is a professional baseball player. Did not know that, thanks to our crack research department. Ensberg flies out to deep left field, and that brings up the pride of San Pedro de Marcoris, Robinson Cano.

Dutch: I used to know a girl named Marcoris!

Alright Dutch that’s enough, you’re incorrigible.

Dutch: What, I was just gonna say she was a nun.

Well ok, that’s very nice.

Dutch: She was a nun until she met me in a Best Western in Iowa! HA!

What a lovely story, Robinson Cano hits one high and deep in the air to right! Way back! And Lay Down Sally, we’ve got ourselves a ball contest! Tie game 2-2!

Dutch: I wonder if I kept her phone number?

Maybe you can look for it later Dutch, in the meantime, any observations about the home run by Cano?

Dutch: He spanked that ball like it was the neighbor’s kid!